“God, give me the strength for not punching his dorky face”, has become my tantra since psycho Will visits me from time to time in the pharmacy. He’s been trying too hard, and in the wrong way, to push his way into my life and honestly, he just gives me the creeps. I DON’T LIKE HIM AT ALL. Politeness is not synonym for I let you in my life. Every time he calls me “Hi, my friend”, I just want to puke my guts out, “I’m not your fucking friend, dude. Where the fuck is David Copperfield when I need to poof him out?”
Edgar rushed in through my door in the exact moment Will was asking me, for the fifth time, to go out with him because he wants to get to know me better and because he founds me pretty, blah, blah. My little voice inside “I want to crap all over your face, loser”. I ran, through myself fiercely into Edgar’s arms and French kissed him. Will’s face? Priceless; he finally stop visiting. Haven’t anyone been in a compromising situation and just don’t know how to get out of it? Desperate times come for desperate measures and for that, Edgar and I came up with several effective techniques to get rid of unwanted people. Use it wisely and we guarantee you’ll poof away psychos, dorks, losers, ex’s… Oh! I used the I’m seeing someone who makes me feel hot technique. Here are some others:
A) I have hemorrhoids- To be used when an unwanted stranger approach with the thought of asking you out.
B) I ‘m doing my taxes- Can be used instead of the I have hemorrhoids.
C) I’m impotent – To be used when you realize that your date is quite an asshole or bitch.
D) I’m on my period- (girls only) To be used when you’re not in the mood for sex.
E) Would you like a glass of cold water? – (boys only) To be used when you feel tempted by you’re pretty hot friend. What happens next, is up to you.
F) Will go some other time – To be used as an excuse for not telling that psycho you really don’t want to go out with him or she in this existence.
G) I’m seeing someone who makes me feel hot – Is more effective if you actually show it rather than saying it and it’s use to, literally, poof out creepy people. Ask a very good friend in case you don’t have a significant other.
H) The Killer – Is the ultimate comeback to throw at a pretty moron who doesn’t get the above. Here’s a script you may follow to manage this skill:
MORON standing in front of YOU.
MORON- I know we have talk about it, but I just simply don’t get why you don’t want to go out with me, not even once. We’ll have fun… I’m a very fun person. C’mon, What you said?
YOU – I have hemorrhoids, I’m impotent and I’m doing my taxes, but we can go some other time.
MORON- For real? Had you been to the doctor? ( Note:He or She can just recall the first thing you said)
YOU – (relax mood) Ok. I’ll tell you the truth. I rather have hemorrhoids and do my taxes, off season, that going out with you some other time. Get the fuck out ‘cause just talking to you is making me feel impotent. Actually, I’m on my way of seeing someone who makes me feel hot.
Your PRETTY HOT FRIEND approaches and You french kiss her in front of Moron. Moron stares surprisingly.
MORON- So, were not going out then?
Is not been harsh. You’ll thank me later.
Disclaimer:Poof! A guide to get rid of unwanted people was develop during a boring and crazy night and is not intended to be used as describe. However, if you consider yourself stupid, silly or moron, used at your own risk. Edgar and E. Bitch are not responsible for whatever the use of this just for entertainment column leads you. Although, if you do try one of the techniques, will be glad to hear from you. Seriously, I’ll be glad to be the first to high five your face.